


Kiss Me

by imawarlock



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Edging, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:34:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24794719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imawarlock/pseuds/imawarlock
Summary: “You really want me to kiss you…” Levi started, wanting to make fucking sure that Erwin was really, really asking for this before he actually did it. “...because you wanna know what it’s like to kiss a man?”“I...yes. I mean, if you don’t mind.” Erwin responded, now suddenly appearing to be surprised that Levi hadn’t just flat out refused.
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 14
Kudos: 229





	Kiss Me

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is for the bottom erwin week prompt "first time." I had it lying around half finished and decided that it would work for the prompt perfectly >:) i hope you enjoy!

It was a Tuesday night, and Levi was kind of drunk. He was seated at the kitchen table with Erwin — a handsome blonde haired blue eyed man who Levi had met through mutual friends over three years ago — and they were on their third bottle of cheap wine in an hour and a half. They’d eaten dinner and then had ended up staying there to just talk and drink in their pajamas, which was fine with Levi, as he certainly did not mind spending time with Erwin at all, particularly when he had dedicated much of his evening to doing so anyway. 

Erwin was his roommate. He’d been a teacher for two years and also helped to manage his school’s library, and although he was kind of a dork, he and Levi had hit it off rather well after they’d been introduced and become close friends. Because of that, they’d started sharing an apartment about one year ago to save money too, and although Levi had been nervous about it at first, it worked out well for him, because Erwin was easygoing. He cleaned up after himself for the most part even though he could be a bit of a slob at times, and they really did get along well — something that perhaps had a lot to do with the fact that...well, oh yeah, Levi was  _ kind of,  _ absolutely, one hundred percent hopelessly and miserably in love with him. 

He was just...amazing. Everything about him was, and nothing compared to the feeling that Levi got when they were together. He cared for him so much and even though Erwin didn’t know it — Levi had realized what his heart wanted a long time ago, even before they’d moved in together, and had also immediately assured himself that there was no way Erwin would ever feel the same — he worried about him when he was unhappy. That was why he’d dedicated his evening to him, he thought, to try to cheer Erwin up, because he had been acting strange for the past couple of days and he couldn’t really figure out why. 

What was bugging him, he’d wondered? He didn’t know, but he’d noticed right off the bat that Erwin’s weird mood was different from the dark, depressive states he was prone to falling into other times, as he seemed more anxious instead of down, more distracted and tense instead of hopeless and heartbreakingly sad. It was odd for him, Levi thought, because usually  _ he _ was the one who got all stressed out like that, which was why he began to suspect that Erwin just had something worrying on his mind that he couldn’t seem to get rid of.

What was it, though? That was the question, and because there had been a few times where Erwin had seemed like he’d wanted to tell him something but hadn’t, Levi had ironically begun to feel concerned himself that it actually had to do with him. Had he done something to upset Erwin? It couldn’t be that because he didn’t seem mad or anything, so what if it was deeper than that? What if he didn’t want to live with him anymore, or there was some part of Levi’s behavior that he couldn’t continue to stand? If that was the case, he wished Erwin would just fucking spit it out and tell him, but he tried to not let himself think like that. 

Surely Erwin would let him know if there was a real problem, right? Deep down, he knew that, and so he did his best to ignore the intrusive thoughts. He did his best to cheer Erwin up too, of course, which was why he’d decided to cook a nice dinner for them that night to eat together — in the kitchen, and not in front of the TV — so that maybe he could comfort him, and maybe he could also figure out what was going on. He hadn’t intended to drink so much though, but they’d started talking and Erwin seemed to be enjoying it enough, and the wine did improve both their moods and the atmosphere considerably. 

Because of that, Levi was content to stay in the kitchen and chat and joke around with him, purposely trying to make him laugh as much as he could in an effort to elevate his mood. At that point, though, an hour and a half after they’d eaten, it seemed that their conversation was winding down. It was getting late too — 8:00 PM, which was nearing Erwin’s old man bedtime — and Erwin had kind of gone quiet and pensive, staring into his wine while Levi talked and bitched and joked until he realized Erwin wasn’t really responding much anymore. No, he was still smiling and seemed to be listening to him somewhat, Levi saw, but he also appeared kind of distracted. Was he tired? 

Levi knew that easily could have been it, just as it could also be the fact that the wine was strong and maybe Erwin was just drunk. Levi was well past tipsy and so he was sure that Erwin had to be in that vicinity too, but...well, what if it was actually the thing that had been bothering him so much recently? Naturally, he wanted to ask. He wanted to know what had Erwin so vexed, and although he did find that the alcohol seemed to give him more courage than he might have normally, Erwin looked up before he could and suddenly seemed to be on the verge of telling Levi himself. 

“Levi…” He murmured, downing the remainder of his wine before grabbing the bottle for a refill. 

_ Okay,  _ Levi thought, apparently this conversation  _ wasn’t _ over just yet. 

“Yeah?” He replied with that in mind, holding out his own glass when Erwin offered to top him off. “What’s up?”

Blinking, he watched Erwin’s eyes unfocus for a second — like he was thinking very, very hard — before they returned to normal, and noticed that his brows had furrowed together in worry. Suddenly, Levi was filled with dread that Erwin was about to tell him that he didn’t want to live with him anymore like he’d feared, but although that wasn’t it, what Erwin did say...well, Levi didn’t think it was necessarily any more fucking favorable, at least to him.

“I have a date Saturday night.” Erwin pronounced, causing Levi’s mood to effectively plummet. 

_Fuck._ He thought. _Again?_ Hadn’t Erwin _just_ gone on a date? No, Levi knew, he hadn’t, not really. The last one he’d been on had occurred over a month ago, but it probably just felt like it had only been the other day because of how long Levi had spent fucking moping about it. Still, Erwin _did_ date a lot — at least in Levi’s very biased opinion — and although it broke Levi’s heart a little bit each time he went out on one, he had also become used to it, or rather, he had become used to having to school his features into something neutral whenever the subject came up, because even if Levi had resigned himself to the fact that Erwin would never see him as anything other than a friend, he still was one, and he couldn’t not act like it and refuse to be supportive. 

“Oh, yeah?” He uttered with that in mind, trying his best to speak in an interested, unbothered tone. “What’s her name?”

Levi said ‘her’ because, although he knew that Erwin considered himself bisexual, he’d always gotten the sense that Erwin was far more interested in women instead of men. He only ever went out on dates with women, Levi had noticed, and only seemed to stare at them with interest when he thought no one was looking. He only chatted women up at bars too and talked about them with his other friends Mike and Nile, and had never, ever said anything remotely sexual about a guy to Levi at all — something that just served as yet another reason why Levi was convinced that he didn’t have a chance in hell with Erwin, but was also why he became so taken aback by what Erwin said to him next. 

“Ah...actually, this time it’s a ‘him.’” He replied quietly, causing Levi to instantly freeze from where he’d been about to take another sip of wine.

He’d nearly had the glass pressed up against his lips, in fact, but now... _ now _ it was like he’d been slapped in the face and just couldn’t fucking move, because...well,  _ shit _ . Apparently, he thought, Erwin wasn’t as disinterested in going out with guys as he’d previously believed, and somehow knowing that his new date was a man instead of a woman now made all of this feel about 10 thousand times fucking worse than it had been before. Why? Well, it was likely because Levi himself was a man too, he knew. He was a guy and although Erwin  _ did _ like guys it was now suddenly more clear than ever that he just didn’t like him — he didn’t find Levi appealing in that way, and he never fucking would — and it seemed that in the span of a split second, it had become much, much harder for Levi to pretend that this shit didn’t bother him. 

Still, although his heart was constricting painfully in his chest and he felt like all the color had drained from his face or something, he forced himself to resume what he’d been doing before: drinking wine and trying to act natural. Unfortunately, being kind of drunk just made it harder, but he slowly brought his glass back up to his lips and took a very large mouthful, reminding himself again that Erwin was his friend, his  _ best  _ friend, and if he wanted to discuss this with him then he was just going to have to suck it up and talk about it. He seemed a bit troubled anyway, Levi had noticed, as his brows were still drawn tightly and the tone he’d spoken in wasn’t at all confident, and it was then that Levi wondered if  _ this  _ was actually why he’d been acting so goddamn weird lately. Was he unsure about the date?

Of course, Levi didn’t know yet, but he didn’t let himself think anything hopeful because of that development either — like maybe Erwin might not actually want to go, or something — and only took a deep breath, forcing his expression back into something  _ meant _ to be encouraging. 

“Oh.” He still uttered at first, however, after swallowing thickly and finding that no matter what, he just couldn’t seem to keep meeting Erwin’s eyes. “Okay...what’s  _ his _ name then?”

In response, Erwin gave him a name that Levi didn’t even bother to try and remember, because in all actuality, the last thing he wanted to fucking do was think about the lucky piece of shit who was going to go out on a date with the love of his life. Unfortunately, however, in that moment, even though Erwin didn’t offer the information, Levi couldn’t help but wonder what the fucker looked like. Was he tall? Was he handsome, like Erwin, and smart and friendly and all the things that Levi was not?  _ God, _ he thought then, he was probably amazing and Erwin was going to fall in love with him and they’d get married and be together forever, and Levi would end up alone and pining for someone he probably didn’t deserve anyway until he grew old and died.

“What are you gonna do?” Levi asked then despite his overdramatic thoughts, restraining a heavy sigh and again trying to mask his discomfort and make conversation. “Go out to dinner?”

“Yes, I suppose.” Erwin answered, honestly sounding so completely unexcited about the prospect that Levi finally  _ did  _ glance back up at him out of confusion. 

Suddenly, despite his inner turmoil, he felt a brief flash of concern for Erwin, particularly when he noticed that he’d been staring down into his own wine glass too. He was frowning and had that fretful expression that he’d been wearing all week on his face again, and this time when Levi spoke, it was without hesitation, knowing that he was willing to help Erwin any way he could, even at the expense of his own battered, broken heart. “What’s wrong, Erwin? You don’t sound very fucking excited about it.”

At that, Erwin glanced back up at him. He met Levi’s gaze and Levi forced himself not to look away, because although he feared Erwin would see something in his expression that might give his real feelings away, Erwin had smiled a bit after their eyes had met as if he was  _ relieved  _ Levi had just asked. 

“I’m just nervous.” He replied too, fidgeting in his seat and honestly almost sounding  _ shy. _ “I’ve never actually been out with a man before.”

“Wait,  _ never?” _ Levi asked, feeling his eyebrows shoot upward, and his curiosity briefly rise above his dismay. 

Still, although he voiced the question, when he thought about it he supposed that Erwin’s confession wasn’t necessarily surprising when he considered his dating history — or at least what  _ he _ knew of it. Before this, he’d always just assumed that Erwin had gone out with men before they’d met and must have decided he preferred women or something like that, but apparently he was fucking wrong. Apparently, he’d never even tried to date one at all, and he wondered if  _ that  _ was actually why he never talked about his attraction, or acted on it. Was he just inexperienced, and anxious?

“No.” Erwin chuckled lightly. “Never.”

“You ever slept with one?” Levi asked next, because...well, just because he’d never been on an actual date with a man did not necessarily mean he’d never done anything physical with one. 

Even so, though, it seemed that the answer to that question was also no —  _ if  _ the way that Erwin laughed like he found the idea to be completely fucking ridiculous said anything, anyway. 

“No.” He confirmed, shaking his head and smiling sheepishly. “Definitely not.” 

“What about fooling around? You know, sucking dick and stuff. You ever done any of that?”

“No.”

“Kissed?”

“No...”

_ “Held hands?” _

“Not romantically. I haven’t done anything, Levi.”

“Wow.” Levi said then, actually managing a somewhat amused snort. “You might as well be a virgin.”

He was only teasing Erwin, of course, and in front of him, he saw that Erwin thankfully took it that way, smiling a bit wider before he looked down to stare into his wine glass. He held the stem in his hand and swished the liquid around a bit, and although the lighting in the kitchen was dim, Levi swore his cheeks had darkened in a way that  _ couldn’t _ just be from the alcohol. Was he feeling bashful about this? His behavior and the quiet tone that he spoke in seemed to indicate that, and for a second, Levi was absolutely mesmerized, frozen while he experienced such a strong sense of fondness and affection that he almost actually smiled. 

Instead, his heart just threatened to flutter out of his chest, and he somehow kind of forgot  _ why _ they were talking about this for a bit, because Erwin was so charming to him that it overcame everything else — at least momentarily. 

“That doesn’t fucking matter though.” Levi continued then, now trying to reassure him. 

“I know, but that’s what I’m really nervous about, I think.” Erwin replied, shaking his head. “I’m not against doing anything, but it’s...well, it’s like when I was a teenager and started going out with girls. I worried I wouldn’t know how to kiss them right, or I’d be bad at it.”

Again, Levi snorted. “Kissing is the same concept, Erwin. You’ll fucking be fine.”

“I don’t want to make a fool of myself…”

“You won’t.”

“...but I want to know what it's like.”

At that, Levi instantly deflated from where he’d perked up a bit for a second or two, as his first thought to  _ that  _ was something he also knew could never be: if only  _ he  _ could be the one to show him. If only he could be the one to hold Erwin’s hand, kiss him, and take him to bed, then he could make sure it was all good for him instead of some random asshole who might actually be...well, an  _ asshole _ . What if he only wanted to go out with Erwin because he wanted to have sex with him? What if he pressured him into it when he wasn’t comfortable, or went too fast? What if he  _ hurt  _ him? 

To be honest, the thought made Levi sick, even more so than him going out on a date in the first place — particularly because it was possible that Erwin might find himself in a shitty situation with a guy who didn’t care about _taking_ care of him, and there was just absolutely nothing that Levi could fucking do about it. No, he couldn’t stop Erwin from going on the date. He couldn’t even tell him what he was worried about now because it would probably be fucking weird, and in reality, Erwin was an adult and he could actually look after himself. It wasn’t like he was naive or stupid, after all, even if his inexperience with men did kind of make him seem innocent right then, but still, Levi just loved him and knew how some guys could be, and it was painful to think that he might have a bad first time when he only deserved the best. 

Levi could provide him that, he  _ could _ , and he wanted to so much that it hurt. However, it was not meant to be, and Levi was probably just going to have to get used to Erwin having sex with men now that were unfortunately not him. 

“So…” Erwin continued, somehow not picking up on Levi’s displeasure even though he had gone silent and been biting his lip and frowning. “I’ve been wanting to ask you...what  _ is _ it like?”

Immediately, Levi’s brow furrowed in confusion and he glanced back up. Wait _ …what?  _ Had he  _ heard _ Erwin right? 

“Huh?” He asked out loud. “What’s  _ what  _ like?”

“I mean, ah...being with a man.” Erwin replied, again starting to look sort of unsure, probably because Levi’s reaction had been rather taken aback.

Unfortunately, this time, he was having a lot of difficulties recovering enough to reassure him right away. Instead of that, he just opened his mouth, closed it again, and sat there and wondered how life could really, truly be this fucking cruel. Was Erwin, the man he had been in love with for more than a year, really asking him for fucking  _ sex _ advice? That was essentially what this was going to turn into, he assumed, but of course, Erwin didn’t know what he was doing to him and Levi couldn’t —  _ wouldn’t  _ — blame him. After all, he was only asking Levi because he knew he was experienced and clearly felt like he could trust him, which was what he tried to keep in mind when he finally managed to open his mouth back up to answer. 

“Like...like fucking, or what?” He asked, somehow managing to keep his voice straight and his face free of hurt — thankfully enough so that again, Erwin did not seem to notice.

All he did, in fact, was blush furiously — very obviously this time — at Levi’s words, although he laughed a bit too, leaning over the table so that he could give him a small, wry smile as he spoke. “Well, I was going to ask about  _ kissing  _ first, but—

“It’s the same concept, Erwin. I told you.” Levi interrupted, staring back down at the table after taking another large drink from his wine glass. It was empty again after that, and he watched from the corner of his eye as Erwin automatically moved to pour them both more to finish off the bottle. “If you can kiss a woman, I’m pretty sure you can kiss a man.”

“Have  _ you _ ever kissed a woman?”

Levi wrinkled his nose at that question, and then managed a scoff. “I kissed a  _ girl  _ when I was 14. We were just kids.”

“Is that the only time?”

“Yeah. First and last. I know you’ll be fucking shocked to hear this, but I didn’t really enjoy it, at all.”

“So you would say that kissing a man is  _ much _ better than kissing a woman, then?”

At that, Levi glanced back up. He bit his lip and noticed Erwin’s smile, and knew that these questions were mainly an attempt to tease him. It was obvious by his demeanor and the playful expression he wore — also because he knew that there wasn’t a straight bone in Levi’s body — and Levi noted that he now appeared far more relaxed in comparison to how tense he’d been at the start of this conversation. It was definitely because of the wine, he thought, and although Levi was probably officially drunk by then too, the alcohol was sadly not enough to help him share in Erwin’s good mood. 

“What kind of question is that?” He mumbled in response then, now completely ignoring the way that his heart skipped a beat at seeing Erwin so lighthearted. “For me, yeah. But I’m gay as fuck, so I’m biased.”

Erwin laughed, and nodded his understanding. “I know, I’m sorry. I was just teasing, but either way, I sense that these kinds of things are just hard to explain.”

Levi agreed, sort of. _Yes,_ he thought, it _would_ be hard for him to explain the joys of kissing men to Erwin, but not because he just didn’t know how. Instead, it was because he knew he couldn’t fucking tell him about it — about how _nice_ it was to smell a guy’s masculine scent up close, to feel the rough, sandpapery skin of another’s face underneath his palm or up against his chin, and to be held by a pair of strong, strapping arms and pressed to a firm body while being kissed over and over again — without...well, without thinking about doing it with _Erwin_. 

Of course, he was no stranger to imagining such things, but right then, when he would only be telling Erwin because he wanted to know in case he ended up doing it with someone the fuck else, it was clear that it would just make everything that much more agonizing for him. Thankfully, Erwin had given him an out by saying he thought it was hard to explain, because as much as Levi normally enjoyed chatting with Erwin, he hoped that this would be the end of the conversation so he could go mope in his bedroom. It was getting harder and harder for him to endure this shit, he thought, and to hide his displeasure, and the last thing he wanted to do was accidentally hurt Erwin’s feelings by coming across as rude or to be too transparent and have Erwin start to suspect something. 

Unfortunately, however, before it was all over with, Levi soon found out that the universe still had one more  _ awfully  _ cruel curveball left for him that night.

“So…” Erwin continued then, right before Levi had been about to go take his wine glass to the sink. “If you can’t explain it...well, I hope this isn’t weird, Levi, but do you think that you would be willing to show me?”

Immediately, Levi’s head jerked up from his drink so quickly that it was a wonder he didn’t fucking pull anything. _ Huh, _ he thought? What the fuck? Was Erwin fucking serious right now? Did he actually fucking mean what Levi  _ thought  _ he meant?

“...what?” He uttered then, completely unable to stop the way that his face contorted into a mixture of confusion, shock, and honestly a bit of anguish, primarily because if Erwin really  _ was  _ asking Levi to ‘show him’ what it was like to lock lips with a man — presumably  _ just  _ that, because anything else would be fucking crazy — then...well, how depressing could this night actually fucking get for him? 

“I mean, just a kiss!” Erwin said in response, clarifying what he’d meant and holding up his hands, now looking a bit unsure — probably because of Levi’s reaction. He hadn’t been able to hide any of it this time, he knew, but it seemed that Erwin just assumed it was because Levi did not realize exactly what he’d meant. “I’m sorry, though. If you don’t want to, or if I’ve just made you uncomfortable, you can forget I said it. Don’t worry.”

At that, Levi just stared at Erwin for another moment or two.  _ Wow, _ he thought. Fucking  _ wow _ . He  _ was _ serious, and Levi almost couldn’t believe it. He actually wanted Levi to kiss him so he could see how it felt — something that Erwin apparently wouldn’t mind, although Levi, of course, knew that it wasn’t because he had feelings for Levi at all. No, he had said it himself: he was just curious, he was just  _ nervous _ , and the only reason he was asking was because he basically wanted to try this out on him in order to make sure he could please another man. That, in Levi’s mind, was basically like a slap in the face, although, again, he couldn’t blame Erwin because he didn’t know, and at that point, he was still kind of stuck on the fact that Erwin had actually asked to begin with.

It just seemed...fucking surreal. In all reality, and in Erwin’s mind especially, they were just friends. Sure, they were close friends, but not that close, and they didn’t have that type of relationship at all. They didn’t kiss in greeting or hug and as much as Levi wished things were different, he had always just considered them to have the typical male friendship. Of course, Erwin wasn’t straight so it did make sense that he wouldn’t be uncomfortable kissing other men, but still...that was something that was usually romantic and intimate and sexual, and he was just so  _ casual  _ about it. Didn’t he think it would be awkward, or that it would make things weird between them after they’d done it? He didn’t seem to, Levi thought, but then again, he’d also had a lot to drink, and in all actuality that was probably the only reason that he thought this was a good idea. 

“You’re drunk.” Levi declared then, snorting and shaking his head, and still finding this a bit outlandish despite his other feelings.

“No.” Erwin replied, which just made Levi roll his eyes. “I’m not drunk.”

“You’re fucking  _ drunk.” _

“Okay...maybe a little. But I’ve thought about this before, when I wasn’t drunk.”

Levi’s eyebrows raised at that, but then he made a face, refusing to wonder how long Erwin had been thinking about asking Levi to kiss him because it didn’t actually fucking mean anything — something which Erwin confirmed nearly verbatim himself when he spoke up again. 

“It’s just...I don’t want to fumble this and ruin things on Saturday. I trust you, and we’re close enough to where I didn’t feel like it would be weird. It wouldn’t mean anything because we’re just friends, obviously, and I know that.” 

_ Just friends. _ Levi repeated in his head.  _ Ouch. _ It was true, but although he’d just thought the same thing to himself, hearing Erwin say it made him want to get up, bolt from the room, and bury himself underneath his blankets. He probably fucking should do that, actually, because this was just getting to be too much. This was stupid, and ridiculous, and the kind of dumb, curious shit that teenagers got up to in middle school and not two 26 year old men, and he wasn’t actually considering it anyway, _ right?  _

“If you don’t want to though, I completely understand. Like I said, it’s fine, and I get it.” 

Erwin smiled beautifully at him as he continued, and Levi suddenly wanted to slam his fists down onto the table in frustration. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he thought, because of fucking  _ course  _ he wanted to. He wanted to kiss Erwin so badly that it was killing him, and had longed to be able to do so for what felt like an eternity. He’d imagined it, had dreamed of it, and envied the women he took out on the date nights where he ended up not coming home because he knew the kiss they’d shared at the end of it had turned into something else. Now Erwin was literally asking  _ him  _ to do it instead, Levi thought, but despite the fact that he couldn’t deny that it was incredibly tempting, Erwin didn’t want Levi to kiss him for the reasons that  _ he  _ wanted to kiss Erwin. 

Because of that, it would be foolish of him to do so, he knew, and it would only make everything — his feelings, his pining, his loneliness — that much worse for himself to bear. Still, he thought, hadn’t he just been wishing he could be the one to show Erwin what it felt like? Yes, he knew, he had, but in those musings Erwin had loved him back, and it hadn’t been something meaningless and simply for  _ practice.  _ However, when it came down to it, how much did that matter to him right then when kissing Erwin would mean that  _ he  _ would be the first man to ever give him one, and not Brad or Ryan or Sam or whatever the fucker’s name was that Erwin had mentioned earlier? Erwin would always remember that fact, he knew, but he probably shouldn’t agree to do it simply so he could have that satisfaction. 

He wouldn’t have either, if it wasn’t also for the fact that  _ he  _ just wanted to know what it would feel like to kiss the man he was in love with too, to perhaps be able to pretend — even if it was for only one single fucking second — that Erwin cared for him with the same intensity that Levi felt and that was why their lips were pressed together. This was probably the only chance he would ever fucking get to experience something like that, Levi knew, and so as much as he knew he shouldn’t, as much as he knew he would disaparage himself later for having no fucking self-respect, he took a deep breath, and glanced back up at Erwin from where he’d been staring deep in thought at the table. 

“You really want me to kiss you…” He started, wanting to make fucking sure that Erwin was really,  _ really _ asking for this before he actually did it. “...because you wanna know what it’s like to kiss a man?”

“I...yes. I mean, if you don’t mind.” Erwin responded, now suddenly appearing to be surprised that Levi hadn’t just flat out refused. 

He should, he thought again. He really, really should, but he was just weak, so, so,  _ so _ fucking  _ weak _ , and Erwin looked as beautiful as he ever had sitting across from him at the table. His blue eyes were bright and clear and his cheeks were flushed from the alcohol — and perhaps a bit of bashfulness again — and then there were his lips, red and full and seeming to be beckoning Levi’s own to come closer. 

“...alright.” Levi uttered then, swallowing thickly and forcing himself to look away for a moment as he suddenly stood up. “Fine.”

Erwin did not say anything in response to that, and by the time Levi rounded the small table and stopped to stand in front of him he had already gone wide-eyed, and was watching Levi like a hawk to see what he would do next. He’d gone completely still too, Levi saw, although he had turned a bit in his seat so that he was mostly facing him — something that made it easy for Levi to step between his spread legs, to allow himself to look Erwin up and down without bothering to worry about what Erwin might think. Erwin did the same thing to him too anyway, Levi noticed, but now, however,  _ now  _ he was just staring up into Levi’s face, and actually smiled a little when he lifted Erwin’s hands to place them on Levi’s own waist himself. 

It was a bit of a nervous smile, Levi thought, but it threatened to undo all of the carefully crafted control he’d summoned up when he’d decided to agree to this all the same, because his heart swelled with emotion, with fondness and affection and love, and he again wished this was happening under completely different circumstances. However, it wasn’t, and there was nothing he could do about that, and he couldn’t back down now because he’d gotten too close and he would probably have to explain. For that reason, he just tried not to think about it, and instead continued in an almost business-like fashion with his movements, placing his hands on Erwin’s chest, sliding them up to his shoulders, and then using one palm to gently clasp his cheek so that he could tilt his head back. 

Then, because he had apparently decided that if he was going to do this he was going to do it right — gently,  _ lovingly  _ — he lifted the fingers of his other hand to brush a few strands of blonde hair away from Erwin’s forehead, allowing himself to stare into his eyes for as long as he dared before finally, he cupped both his cheeks and leaned over to very lightly, very softly, press the both of their lips together. Ignoring the hard, deafening pounding of his own heart, he held his mouth there like that, touching Erwin’s, and closed his eyes, but did not do anything else, not yet. He didn’t know how far Erwin actually wanted to take this, after all, and he wasn’t going to just assume and shove his tongue down his throat unless he gave Levi some sort of sign that he—

Erwin opened his mouth. He parted his lips, tightened his hold on Levi’s waist, and straightened up in the chair for more, very carefully and very slowly — almost  _ painstakingly  _ cautious about it, in fact — exploring with the tip of his tongue when Levi responded and allowed him inside. For a few seconds then, although Levi felt like his knees might suddenly go out, he continued to let Erwin lead the way, at least until Erwin suddenly began to deepen things on his own, kissing him more insistently and exhibiting an eagerness that he  _ definitely  _ had not expected. Needless to say, that caused Levi to experience what he could only describe as a hot spark of excitement, partly because Erwin’s lips moving over his own was fucking amazing, but mostly because...well, it was apparent that he was  _ fine  _ with this, and Levi now had all the permission he needed to  _ really _ kiss him like he meant it. 

Suddenly, the spark he’d felt erupted into a full-fledged fire almost without warning, lighting up inside of him and flaring to life as if someone had thrown a match into a puddle of gasoline. Spreading quickly, it burned through him, through all of the flimsy, half built walls that Levi had put up to try and hold himself back, and caused him to move without thinking, to grab at the side of Erwin’s neck with one hand so that he could hold him in place, and to dig his free fingers into his shirt too, fully taking control and pushing his tongue into Erwin’s mouth much more purposefully. He kissed him like that, hard and quick and excitedly, moving his lips over Erwin’s like a starving, desperate man, all with a hunger and passion that might have even surprised himself if he hadn’t been holding it inside for so fucking long. 

Still, he had never meant to put his all into it, to pour every single ounce of longing and love and yes,  _ lust _ , into what was supposed to be something fast and simple, but that was what happened when Erwin kept responding to him just as eagerly, when he showed no signs that he wanted to stop and kept kissing him back, and when Levi realized that this really was just... _ everything _ he hadn’t been able to explain to Erwin earlier. Indeed, he tasted like wine and he smelled so fucking good, Levi thought, like soap and shampoo and a natural scent that obviously only belonged to Erwin, and as their lips fit together over and over again, Levi could feel the stubble from Erwin’s face rubbing against his own whenever he moved his mouth a certain way. 

Erwin’s arms, too, had actually gone  _ around  _ his entire waist by then, and to be completely fucking honest, Levi was in heaven — at least until his belly suddenly clenched in arousal and he realized what he was doing, and that this had been going on for more than a minute, which was far, far longer than it probably actually should. 

_ Shit! _ He thought, immediately jerking away to stare down at Erwin with wide eyes. What had just happened? How had that gotten out of hand so quickly? He knew why, or at least, why he had  _ let _ it, but it hadn’t been like Erwin had pushed him away, either. No, he’d stayed still and returned all of Levi’s fervent kisses with enthusiasm just then, and for that matter, had not yet made any sort of movement to let go of him. Instead, he was gazing up at Levi and looking transfixed, with a flushed face and still-parted lips that were so red, so wet, and so shiny that it made Levi’s burning cheeks burn even fucking more. 

His entire body was actually burning, in fact, and he already knew that he would be without a doubt desperately jerking himself off when he retreated back to his bedroom. However, he first felt like he needed to say something, but he was having trouble getting his racing thoughts under control, particularly when Erwin still held his arms around his waist and his eyes were...well, his eyes were full of something that Levi  _ swore _ was almost like awe. 

“Uh…” Levi started then though, beginning to feel sort of awkward, and... _ embarrassed _ . “Uh...I...was that...was that good enough? I mean, that’s pretty much fucking it, so...uh, you should have the hang of it, and—

Levi cut himself off, because he knew he sounded like an idiot. His disjointed speech and slightly high, half-panicked tone showed how overwhelmed he now was, especially because Erwin was still not doing anything, and Levi was torn between breaking his hold or asking him what the hell he was thinking. He couldn’t do either though in the end, naturally, and instead, just found himself drawing his brows down and shaking his head, leaving his mouth hanging open in confusion because he was just...at a loss, although fortunately, that seemed to be enough to break Erwin from the weird fucking trance he’d seemed to have been in anyway. 

“Levi…” He only breathed though, murmuring his name in a voice that sounded full of amazement, or maybe just shock. 

It was probably the fucking latter, Levi realized then, because he had just kissed the absolute life out of Erwin. He’d practically thrown himself at him and let his emotions flow and there was no doubt in his mind that Erwin had felt the intensity of it, and because of that, Levi’s eyes widened as he experienced a sudden, horrible swell of alarm. Had he just...had he just given himself away? Did Erwin suspect something? How could he fucking not after what had just happened? Levi didn’t know, but before he could start mumbling excuses, Erwin reached up to cup his cheek, essentially halting the growing storm of panic and dismay that was threatening to overwhelm his entire mind. 

Instead, it was apparently his turn to be transfixed, because once Erwin touched him like that, once he used the arm remaining around his waist to  _ pull him closer  _ — so that his knee was now resting on the chair, right between Erwin’s legs — and his other hand to shift his face so their foreheads were touching, Levi could barely even breathe much less wonder how badly he’d just fucked up. Even so, though, in the back of his mind he again wondered what the  _ hell _ Erwin was doing. He was looking into his eyes, of course, but they gave Levi zero answers, so why was he...what was he thinking...what...what  _ was _ this—

Levi lost the ability to finish any of his thoughts no sooner than he had actually thought them. That was because Erwin was just too close, his mouth was  _ too close _ to Levi’s own and they were sharing the same air, and as if feeling Erwin’s warm breath ghosting up against his lips wasn’t enough, Erwin carefully lifted his chin to cause his mouth to brush against Levi’s lightly. The touch was very quick, Levi thought, very  _ cautious _ in a way and barely even there for a second, but it was clearly a sign, or some kind of a hint for him as to what Erwin wanted, although also enough for Levi to almost flinch like lightning had struck him, partly out of surprise and partly because he still felt like he shouldn’t. 

Even so, however, he still did nothing to stop it, and only tightened the grip he now had on both of Erwin’s shoulders, almost unconsciously closing his eyes without moving his head away in the least. If he kept them open, he felt, he would wake up from whatever dream he was having where this was really happening, where he was exhaling a shaky breath, taking the chance, and lowering his mouth to touch it to Erwin’s  _ again _ , hoping that he was reading things right and that he would get more, and where he actually got it, after Erwin softly kissed his bottom lip and Levi responded, and suddenly found his mouth slotted back together with Erwin’s as if it had never even moved apart. 

Again, however, things started out slow — like they were both making sure the  _ other  _ was sure, because this was different, clearly, not just for ‘instruction’ and actually fucking real — but then, after each kiss became more and more hungry, very quickly grew right back into the excitable embrace they had already been sharing before. Levi picked up right where he had left off, in fact, once he believed that Erwin wasn’t going to pull away and realized that  _ he  _ had drawn Levi back in and essentially initiated further contact, and moved to climb fully into his lap, seating himself on Erwin’s thighs firmly and wrapping his arms around his neck so that he could go back to kissing him with all the enthusiasm he’d failed to hold back earlier. 

He let himself go and captured Erwin’s lips again and again, his kisses eager and deep and more and more needy as Erwin responded in kind, giving back to Levi as good as he got and making him breathless, which was...well,  _ obviously _ what ended up exciting Levi more than anything else. Clearly, he thought, Erwin liked something about this. Clearly, he was enjoying what Levi was doing to him too — what they were doing  _ together  _ — and didn’t want to stop, which was a realization that gave him a sharp, nearly breathtaking thrill, and suddenly made him feel so giddy and excited that he was practically fucking vibrating with it. What did that actually mean, though? Was Erwin attracted to him? Had Levi just turned him on somehow? 

He didn’t know, and to be honest, he wasn’t really that fucking focused on figuring it out right then, because all he knew were the things that were happening in the present, how Erwin was in front of him, how he was kissing him without restraint, and how he was grabbing onto his waist and pushing his t-shirt up and sliding his palms underneath it to caress at his bare sides. 

_ Fuck _ , Levi thought, his hands were warm, and fucking big, and although the touch was slow and easy and perhaps just a bit uncertain, it sent goosebumps trailing along his skin all the same, and he couldn’t help but arch his back even while remembering that...well, if this  _ was _ leading to something — and he was pretty sure it was, since Erwin had just shoved his fingers underneath his clothing and started kissing him even harder after that — then because of Erwin’s inexperience, his body, the pleasure he might feel, and his perception of what happened that night were entirely in the palm of Levi’s hands. Yes, he realized then, somehow, amazingly enough, it seemed that he would be able to take care of Erwin, the man whom he felt deserved the world, in the way he had wanted to after all.

“Hey.” He gasped then, abruptly pulling away and speaking with a small, pleased smile in his voice. 

It nearly graced his lips too, but Erwin wouldn’t have seen anything anyway because of how quickly Levi ducked his head down, moving to press his lips heatedly to the skin of Erwin’s neck. 

In response, he swore Erwin actually fucking shivered, and Levi could hear the sounds of his heavy breathing coming from above him when he continued. Even just that,  _ just  _ the sound of Erwin  _ panting  _ because of their kissing, was so arousing to him that his dick twitched in his pants, but thankfully, he was more than emboldened by all that was happening and everything he’d just realized. 

True enough, confidence had surged within him a few moments ago and he felt like he could act like  _ himself  _ without having to hold anything back, and because of that, he didn’t hesitate to suck sharply at a spot just underneath Erwin’s jaw, sliding his palms up and down his chest — purposefully brushing his thumbs over his nipples through his t-shirt, too — and finding that he was now unable to  _ just  _ keep the smile in his voice when he heard Erwin’s breath hitch. 

“Looks like you got the kissing parts down pretty good, big guy.” He murmured then, as his lips curled up and he wetly moved them along Erwin’s neck, teasingly brushing them over his ear next before he spoke. “You want me to show you something else?”

Erwin, apparently too caught up to respond verbally, swallowed and just frantically nodded, closing his eyes and exhaling loudly when Levi decided to pinch a nipple through his shirt.

“Yeah?” Levi still asked though, knowing that it was best to hear him say it — and  _ wanting  _ the spoken confirmation too — before he took this any further. 

“God _...yes _ —

When Erwin forced out the words, they sounded more like a strained groan than anything else, although he barely managed to finish before Levi, beyond thrilled and feeling so much anticipation that he thought he might burst, cut him off no sooner than the last letter had left his lips by planting his mouth back down hard again over Erwin’s. Having heard what he needed to hear, he kissed Erwin fiercely and swallowed the needy sound he suddenly made, and stayed like that for another few moments before he pulled away and then abruptly moved to stand up. 

“Come on then.” He breathed out too, grabbing a fistful of Erwin’s t-shirt so he could help pull him to his feet.

He took his arm afterward and practically dragged him out of the kitchen and into the bedroom — Erwin’s bedroom, as it was closer — and then pushed him down onto the mattress, climbing back on top of him with a focused, fiery determination that only grew stronger when he once again noticed Erwin wearing an awed, almost dazed sort of look. He stared up at Levi like that, mouth open and eyes wide, and if it hadn’t been for the way his lips curved up in just the slightest, he might have wondered if Erwin was overwhelmed. Instead, when he considered the barely there smile he just seemed delighted for whatever was about to happen, and...well, Levi thought then, if Erwin wanted more, if he wanted  _ everything _ , he would gladly fucking give it to him that night without having even a single, split second of hesitation. 

No, he told himself, he would show Erwin this, he would demonstrate to him not only what it was like to be with a man, but how fucking good it could be too, how amazing and satisfactory and pleasurable, all by using the utmost of his skill and ability, and every single ounce of the experience he had to make Erwin feel so incredible that night that he’d never,  _ ever  _ fucking forget it. He was going to blow his mind, in fact — and was capable of that, he was  _ sure  _ — and make him come harder than he ever had in his goddamn life, enough so that no one else, no other  _ men _ , would ever begin to be able to fucking compare. 

The thought was a possessive one, Levi knew, and although deep down he understood that Erwin didn’t belong to him, in the heat of the moment, he fucking meant it and could not exactly find it inside him to chastise himself for it. Instead, now that his determination had reached new levels, he licked his lips while looking at Erwin, and then reached down to pull his own t-shirt off. He tossed it to the side and did not miss the way that Erwin openly stared at his bare skin, much the same way that Levi stared at Erwin’s after he used his hands to push his shirt up to his chin too. After that, he leaned over and kissed Erwin again, slower this time but no less heated, and enjoyed how obviously Erwin melted into it and grabbed at his waist like he’d done in the kitchen.

His palms grasped at him tightly, Levi felt, but despite the fact that  _ his _ hands had begun to wander over Erwin’s glorious chest, shoulders, and arms without restraint, Erwin’s did not move — at least not until Levi shifted to do it for him, grabbing Erwin’s wrists himself so that he could direct one set of fingers to his thigh while he pulled the other one around him and planted it over his ass. 

“You can touch me.” He told Erwin too, wanting him to know that he could so much that he’d broken their kiss to tell him, although he only lifted his head far enough so that he could look him directly in the eye. “It feels good, okay?”

Erwin didn’t have to be told twice — not that Levi had expected him to. No, shit like that was simple and often came naturally to people, and he had a sneaking suspicion that Erwin was just being careful because he was a little nervous. After all, Levi knew he’d been with plenty of fucking women before and so it wasn’t like he was inexperienced in general, although he’d clearly allowed Levi take the lead, which was more than fine with him since he had decided to make this all about Erwin anyway. Still, he meant it when he’d said it felt good for Erwin to touch him because it did, and if he didn’t have a job to do, he knew he would have actually been content to just stay still and lie there while Erwin’s hands glided all over his body. 

He actually sighed in bliss, in fact, once Erwin obeyed him and started doing it, but that turned into something more — into a louder, pleased hum — when he even squeezed his ass once they’d started kissing again. By then, he had allowed himself to grope at Erwin’s chest too, greedily palming at the muscle there and relishing in the way that just something like that seemed to make Erwin’s already heavy breath quicken. He actually arched his back, in fact, like he wanted more when Levi’s hands again brushed over his nipples, and needless to say, Levi did not hesitate to give it to him, and just focused all of his attention on that, on the sharp gasp Erwin let out when he thumbed at one of the sensitive peaks again more firmly. 

The sound he made in response ended up causing their kiss to break again, but Levi didn’t mind, not when he saw how Erwin’s eyes had fluttered shut and the way that his lips remained parted, all of which made him decide to just plant his own down over Erwin’s chest instead of returning them back to his mouth. Shifting, he latched onto a nipple, toying with it like that while he did the same to the other one with his fingers, licking and pinching and sucking and rubbing — all at the same time while Erwin’s gasps grew more frequent and then turned into quiet, breathy noises above him. His hips even jerked once when Levi hollowed his cheeks over his chest so sharply that when he pulled off it made a lewd, wet sound, although he barely noticed because all of Erwin’s squirming had caused the hard outline of his cock to briefly press up against his backside. 

Biting his lip to restrain his own groan then, Levi immediately began to move lower, unable to resist doing so while pressing kisses to Erwin’s middle and reaching down to plant a hand over his bulge. He grasped it, squeezed slightly, and heard Erwin actually moan for the first time too, which prompted him — after he’d felt the size of his erection, of course — to waste no time in jerking down Erwin’s pajama pants once he moved to settle between his legs.

“Shit.” He could not help but breathe then, somehow managing to tear his eyes away from the very impressive, very thick cock that was now in front of his face to glance up at its owner. 

When he did so, he noticed that Erwin now looked like...well, he looked like Levi had sucked him off already, because his skin was flushed all the way down to his chest, and his nipples were still hard, wet, and perky from all the teasing — although not as hard as his dick, which was incredibly rigid in front of him and already colored so red that it threatened to make Levi’s own erection ache. Apparently, Erwin was  _ very  _ turned on because it looked like he’d been that way for a fucking hour instead of the short time that it had actually been, but Levi couldn’t blame him when the sight of it just made him even more excited than he had already been to begin with too. 

Leaning forward, he could not resist nudging at the underside of Erwin’s cock with his nose after another second, watching as it twitched and strained and leaked precome onto his belly from nothing more than a slight, simple touch.  _ Fuck,  _ he found himself thinking, how was it that Erwin seemed like he was going to explode just from some kissing and having his nipples played with? Was he always this sensitive, or was it because of the newness of it all, or the thrill? Levi couldn’t be sure either way, but he did know that  _ he  _ was the one that had done this to Erwin that night, and that obviously, he was not going to just stop there. 

No, at that point he decided to lift a hand to grasp the base of Erwin’s cock loosely, turning his head a bit to nuzzle at it with his cheek, and essentially looking to tease him with light touches and brief brushes of his lips while he marveled at how it made Erwin  _ squirm _ . He panted too, and his breath stuttered at Levi’s minute ministrations, and although his head was tipped back, Levi could see how his jaw remained slack and the way that his fingers clenched and unclenched around the bedding. How long was he actually going to last once they got started? Levi really did wonder, but obviously, there was only one way to find out, although he did stop his teasing momentarily so that he could pinch Erwin’s thigh to get his attention, hoping that he would lift his head because he wanted to look him in the eye before he kept going.

“So, you hid this bigass dick from me this whole fucking time, huh?” Levi asked him when Erwin did glance up, breaking the silence and earning a ridiculous but immediate and hurried nod, as Erwin seemed so caught up in everything that he didn’t realize what Levi had asked was something of a rhetorical question and, well...basically a joke.

It made Levi want to snort in amusement, to be honest, although he didn’t, because he was actually too busy trying to decide on exactly what he wanted to do, all while reaching out with his tongue to lazily lick at one of the veins traveling up the underside of Erwin’s cock. The sensation, apparently, was enough to make Erwin gasp loudly and close his eyes again all of a sudden, and to also cause him to bend his legs at the knee even while his head fell right back where it had been before. Of course, the movement caught Levi’s eye and he found himself letting go of Erwin for a second, having decided at that point that this position wasn’t going to do at all because he wanted to be able to see him. 

“Hey.” He said, nodding behind Erwin and in the direction of the headboard — a place where a bevy of pillows lay stacked up on top of each other messily. “Move back.”

Erwin obeyed wordlessly, and quickly, and Levi followed to settle between his thighs again as he leaned back against the pillows. He was sitting up more like that, reclining at a small angle, really, and Levi spared one more second to speak out a line of instruction before he ducked his head down and finally got to work. 

“Watch me.” He told Erwin, grabbing one of his hands to place it right on top of his hair.

Immediately, Erwin got the message and wound his fingers through the strands, strangely adopting an expression that Levi found to be rather...soft, although he shifted his gaze before he could truly study it because it made his heart pound harder than it already was, and he didn’t want to think about any romantic shit. No, right then he wanted to just ignore it, and he did in favor of opening his mouth to lick a broad stripe along Erwin’s cock before he took the tip into his mouth, deciding to skip the teasing for a little bit so that he could swirl his tongue around it, sucking, and relishing in the shuddering moan that the sensations tore from Erwin’s throat. 

The sound was like music to Levi’s ears at that point, of course, and so he held him still at the base like that for a while, easing his head down and back up before he pulled off again and moved to kiss and mouth his way lower, towards Erwin’s balls. There, he made sure to pay plenty of attention to those too and even pressed his lips to the spot right underneath them — a special, specific spot which he then carefully placed right underneath his thumb. After that, he rubbed lightly and then applied a bit of firm pressure in an effort to feel Erwin’s prostate through his skin, swollen with arousal, and then returned his mouth to his cock, licking and mouthing at it more before he swallowed the tip and began to lazily bob up and down. 

Like that, he sucked Erwin off and massaged his prostate lightly for several long moments, wanting to let the pleasure fill up some in Erwin’s belly before he did anything else. He could tell it was happening, of course, by listening to the noises Erwin made, all of which he was glad to note had increased significantly in frequency and volume once he’d added his thumb to the mix. Levi knew what he was feeling. He had jerked himself off many times while toying with his own prostate, and was more than aware of how it made the sensations stronger and more intense, which then in turn resulted in a stronger and more intense orgasm. 

That, essentially, was what he wanted to give Erwin, because while he knew any of his other lovers could have certainly done the same thing to him before, he had the sneaking suspicion that it had never happened, and if he wanted to do something that Erwin would remember...well, then he felt like this fit the fucking criteria pretty well. Regardless of that, however, he  _ did  _ just want to make Erwin feel really, really good too, and because of his experience, knew without a doubt that massaging him like this was a surefire way to do it. Of course, he didn’t  _ only  _ have to do it from the outside either, but he wasn’t going to just shove his fingers up Erwin’s ass without warning when he didn’t know his limits. 

Instead of that, he pulled his mouth off his cock with a slurp and swapped his hands out — he’d drooled enough on his dick by then so that the fingers he’d been holding it with were wet with saliva — and very gently, very carefully, pressed the tip of one digit up against his entrance. He paused then, lifting his eyes towards Erwin’s for a moment to see if there were any signs he might want Levi to halt in his expression, but saw nothing except bliss and lust and the image of Erwin biting his lip when he lifted his ass for him and Levi slipped his finger in. The sound Erwin made then was a low groan, and Levi nearly echoed it himself when he felt how tight Erwin was inside, how hot, how slick he’d become just from the saliva and the way that he clenched to hold him in. 

Needless to say, for a moment there Levi found himself wishing that it wasn’t just his finger in Erwin’s ass but something else, although he couldn’t think about that now, because he needed his focus for other shit, like finding Erwin’s prostate again — not that it was hard for him to do so. No, Levi located it easily enough on the inside and curled his finger up, pressing into the spot and rubbing at it as he’d been doing before on the outside. At the same time, he went back to teasing Erwin’s cock with his lips and his tongue, continuing to keep his eye on him sharply while Erwin grew louder and more expressive. 

He stared down at Levi too, keeping his gaze on him as he’d been told, but the expression he began to wear after a few moments might have been one of pain if Levi hadn’t known better. True enough, his brows had drawn in tightly and his mouth was hanging wide open, and he huffed noisily with each second that passed, moaning too, of course, and then actually  _ whimpering  _ when Levi increased the pressure of his finger against his prostate and more pre-come began to leak from the tip of his cock — a large amount of it that Levi could only stand to look at for a few seconds before he pulled the source of it back into his mouth to suck it all down. 

Deciding not to stop again just yet when Erwin arched his back suddenly in response — he inhaled a sharp, shuddering breath too, and tightened the hold he still had on Levi’s hair with his fingers — he instead finally, really began to work to take all of Erwin’s dick between his lips and started to bob up and down with a purpose, spurred on by Erwin’s touch to his head, which became more and more rough after a few minutes passed while his hips started to squirm and twitch upward towards his mouth.  _ God _ , Levi thought then, it seemed uncontrollable and all of Erwin’s excited movements were just making him more and more fucking excited too, and he ended up trying to rut his own erection up against the bed, groaning around Erwin’s cock when he found enough of the pleasurable friction he’d been looking for to actually feel something. 

At the same time, he’d given Erwin what he knew  _ he  _ wanted to, and slid his lips all the way down his entire length until his nose was buried in the thick, wiry blonde hairs that grew over Erwin’s belly, making another noise in his chest that he couldn’t control when he caught how the smell of Erwin was even stronger right there. He couldn’t help but fucking notice it, of course, when he was sucking in air through his nostrils to try and breathe, working to swallow around him too while continuing to stimulate his prostate with his finger as best he could. Apparently, that was almost too much for Erwin to take, as it wasn’t long after that before Levi felt a purposeful tug to his hair, although it still took him a second before he realized that Erwin was trying to tell him he was about to come. 

That was what he  _ had  _ to be saying, Levi thought then, because the tension in his body in front of Levi’s made it pretty clear that Erwin was close, as did the way his thighs trembled from the massage he was still giving him, and the deep, uncontrollable groans — and  _ swears _ , Levi realized heatedly — that were coming out of his mouth. Despite the fact that Levi did really,  _ really  _ want to get Erwin over the edge, he found himself pulling off abruptly when Erwin seemed just one more single second away from it, removing his mouth from his dick, gasping for air, and even pausing his finger for a moment after Erwin’s breath hitched sharply and he jerked his hips up in Levi’s direction.

He was looking for the missing stimulation, Levi knew, even unconsciously, but it wasn’t there, and he practically writhed on the bed for a moment and made a desperate sort of sobbing sound when he realized it.

“Levi…” He let out then too, groaning in what was probably a bit of frustration from being denied what would have surely been an amazing, explosive orgasm. Fortunately for him, Levi wasn’t going to make him wait terribly long to feel anything else, and he ended up slipping a second finger into his ass — after he’d stuck both of them in his mouth and drooled all over them again — to rub at his prostate again gently.  _ “Fuck.” _

He kept that up for a few moments but didn’t put his mouth back on him yet, although it didn’t take him long to give in to Erwin’s need for that either, because in truth, despite the fact that he would love to lie there and edge Erwin for fucking hours until he was so keyed up that he could come virtually untouched, this wasn’t the time for it, and it wasn’t what this was about. No, that might be a bit much for Erwin right then and it was kind of something that should be discussed first before it was done, and besides, he really, truly just wanted to see what Erwin looked like when he actually came in his fucking mouth.

“Hey Erwin...you ready to come?” He found himself asking then, gazing up into Erwin’s blue eyes, which stood out beautifully among his reddened cheeks and golden eyelashes, but shut briefly when Levi curled his fingers up even harder. 

In response, he gasped sharply too and his ass seemed to grind down uncontrollably onto Levi’s hand, and he could only manage a desperate nod after Levi leaned forward again to lap at the underside of his cock. 

“You wanna come down my throat?” He murmured next, causing Erwin to now let out a low moan as he nodded his head even more enthusiastically.

“Yes.” He managed to breathe as well, biting his lip now and already back to trembling with his back arched, towards Levi, in need. “Levi... _ please _ —

That was all Levi needed to swallow his cock again, this time moving without the intent to stop for even a single second until Erwin came, bobbing up and down quickly and deepthroating him again for as long as he could manage. Tears escaped down his cheeks from how much it made his eyes water — Erwin’s big dick was a lot to fit down his throat, even for him — but he barely noticed, as that was the last thing that mattered when Erwin rapidly became close once more, to the point where Levi could see his abdomen tightening and the only sounds he made were ragged gasps, moans, and noisy utterances of Levi’s name. Needless to say, the sound of  _ that _ , of Erwin calling out for him in pleasure, made him feel like he was on fucking fire, although once he looked up and caught Erwin’s still open eyes, he suddenly experienced much, much more than just his own arousal. 

Instead, his heart swelled with feeling, with all of the love, fondness, and affection that he held for the man in front of him. It was a lot, and it was intense, too, and it made him feel emotional, particularly because of the way that Erwin couldn’t seem to tear his gaze away from his either even though he was falling apart, which suddenly made this seem far, far more intimate than just a quick, meaningless blowjob for fun — at least to Levi. No, he thought, this was different than that and it actually meant a lot, so  _ much _ , and because of how he’d been so blindsided with a bunch of sudden emotions, it was good that Erwin finally came in that exact moment or he probably would have fucking faltered. 

He didn’t though, after Erwin froze, let out a deep, guttural groan, and then spilled into his mouth, uncontrollably squeezing his eyes shut now in the face of what was surely an intense, blinding orgasm. Indeed, the way Levi had been massaging him made it last much longer than normal too, which gave Levi plenty of time to take in Erwin’s face, beautiful in ecstasy, and the way that his body went from tense, to relaxed, to completely limp around him after it was all finally said and done. Of course, he had swallowed everything Erwin had given him when he’d come skillfully and with no issue, but had then pulled off and removed his fingers, because fuck, no matter how gorgeous and arousing Erwin had looked then, the surge of emotions he’d experienced had served to remind him that...well, Erwin did not feel the same. 

No, he thought. Erwin didn’t love him. He didn’t think of him fondly or with the type of romantic affection that Levi held for him, and this, what Levi had just done to him, his  _ new experience,  _ probably wouldn’t mean shit to him even if it had been a first. It wasn’t special to him like it was to Levi, he remembered then, because it had started as fucking ‘practice’ for Erwin’s fucking date on Saturday — a date which Levi had no doubt that he would still be going on. God, he thought then, as he felt what must have been akin to a foot long knife going through his heart, what had he just done? What had he allowed to fucking happen, he asked himself, now that his mind was able to think clearly again? How could he have been so unbelievably fucking _ stupid? _

Of course, that was a rhetorical question because he  _ did  _ know how, because it hadn’t even been that long ago that he’d lost his goddamn mind and all of his sense in the kitchen. He’d just...wanted Erwin. He’d yearned for him for so long that it had gotten the better of him, and when Erwin had shown the slightest interest that he might want Levi too — he’d kissed him back, and pulled Levi into his lap — his defenses had fallen like dominoes with no real consideration given to any of the potential consequences. Now, though, the consequences were all too real to him. Now, he knew, he had fucked up big time, made out with Erwin and sucked him off and things were probably  _ never  _ going to be the same, because how were they supposed to handle the aftermath of this? Could Levi even  _ deal  _ with handling the aftermath? What would happen now? 

He didn’t know, but regardless of the outcome, Levi knew it would just end up with him getting hurt. That was why he was stupid, he thought then, because he’d essentially fucking played himself and walked right into it. Now, he had internally begun to panic while Erwin continued to lie in the afterglow of his orgasm for almost an entire minute, blissed out and understandably oblivious to the meltdown going on inside the man who had not yet moved from in between his legs. Even after he recovered and shifted a bit he didn’t seem to pick up on the wrongness of the situation yet, Levi thought — that had to be it, because as despondent as he was, he knew it wasn’t that Erwin just didn’t care — and only reached down to return his hand to where it had formerly been placed on top of Levi’s hair. 

His fingers swept over the strands again in a light caress, and although it felt good, Levi flinched away instantly and pushed himself up onto his knees. He’d still been lying face down on the bed all that time, ridiculously enough, but now he was able to look at Erwin, and stared at him with wide eyes and a stricken expression that he could not control — something that Erwin finally did seem to pick up on, because his brows drew down a bit in confusion before he again held out his hand. 

“Levi...that was amazing.” He began, speaking quietly and with what was perhaps the beginnings of concern in voice, because surely, Levi thought, it was becoming more and more apparent that something was  _ wrong _ . “Can...can you come here? I...Levi, let me—

Presumably, despite everything and all the unease in the air, Erwin had still been about to say something in regards to getting Levi off too, because he had glanced down briefly at where Levi’s erection was still stubbornly tenting the front of his pants. As tempting as that did sound, however — his need hadn’t all gone away, as the taste of Erwin’s fucking come in his mouth hadn’t yet either — Levi was in his right mind again and knew that he couldn’t. He couldn’t let Erwin touch him any more than he already had, he knew, at  _ all _ , because anything else would just make all of this that much worse for himself once Erwin realized that he had made a mistake, which he  _ would _ fucking do, and soon. 

Shaking his head then, wildly and with wide eyes, he opened his mouth as if to speak, but then closed it again when he found that nothing would come out. What was he supposed to say, anyway? There was no way he could explain what he was thinking to Erwin, he knew, or tell him the fucking truth, because then he would just be embarrassing himself further and surely do even more damage to their beautiful friendship. As such, because he did not know what to do and the fear and alarm within him were growing too great for him to bear, he ended up twisting to practically dive for the edge of the bed in the next moment, moving to scramble off of it so that he could get to his feet, grab his shirt, and flee from the room like a fucking coward. 

“Levi!” He heard Erwin say as he went, catching him reaching out in his direction one more time too as he turned even though it was too late. 

He sounded worried, Levi thought, and for a half second he wanted to stop and go back, but whatever concern Erwin held for him would not be for any reason that would make Levi feel better about this. No, he was probably just confused, but Levi couldn’t face him anymore; he was too upset. Tears stung the corners of his eyes as he bolted from the room, in fact, threatening to spill over his lids and roll down his cheeks. Somehow, he managed to hold them back until he made it to his own room and flung the door shut behind him, stumbling onto his bed and burying his face into a pillow like he was a heartbroken teenager again or something. 

He was being dramatic, he thought, but he didn’t actually fucking care, because his heart hurt, and he was frustrated and pissed at himself and hating how he hoped Erwin would come after him even though it would just make things worse. Thankfully — or not, Levi wasn’t sure — he didn’t, and Levi was left lying in his own bed for the rest of the night, feeling lonely and cold after he’d experienced what it was like to be held in Erwin’s arms. He would never be able to forget that shit, he knew, and certainly could not go to sleep after what happened because he couldn’t stop thinking about it, ending up lying there for the rest of the night, tossing and turning until he finally drifted off to only be awoken by the sound of his work alarm going off. 

Despondently, even though he wanted to just stay in bed for the rest of the goddamn day, he forced himself out of it, and tried not to think about Erwin moving around in the apartment outside his door. He heard him as he got ready for work, but luckily he left after Erwin did and was able to avoid an awkward morning after encounter in the kitchen, as well as any evening discussions too because he bolted right back into his room and locked himself in when he got home. Again, although Erwin  _ was  _ there, he did not make any attempts to come find Levi or talk to him, which was partially a relief but also slightly worrisome. If Erwin thought something was wrong with him, Levi knew, it would normally be like him to make sure that he was alright, but he hadn’t done it yet and Levi wasn’t sure whether his silence this time was a good or bad thing when it all came down to it.

Had he destroyed everything they had? Their friendship, their bond as roommates, their trust and closeness? He didn’t know, but ironically, even though he knew he shouldn’t his anxiousness over that was part of the reason why he continued to avoid Erwin as much as he could in the days that followed before his date. It was fucking stupid though, he thought, because he wasn’t foolish enough to believe that they could just move past this without eventually having to talk about it, because even if he wished that were possible, he was sure Erwin wouldn’t forget and wouldn’t let it just hang in the air undiscussed between them. No, Levi was only delaying the inevitable by putting it off, but he was just...well,  _ afraid _ , full of dread and anxiety for what Erwin would probably say to him once they sat down and began to get into it. 

He could hear him now, he thought. First, Levi knew, he would apologize, and then would come the excuses that he didn’t want to hear, the ‘explanations’ about how he was drunk, about how things got out of hand, and about how he shouldn’t have let it happen, all of which he didn’t blame Erwin for because he was just as guilty too, but that would all ultimately lead to what was essentially...well, a rejection. Even if he could probably avoid telling Erwin how he really felt it would still happen, of course, as all of Erwin’s apologetic words to him would be based on the fact that he considered their time together that night to be one thing, and one thing only: a mistake. 

It shouldn’t have happened, Levi knew Erwin would say, and his body had just been responding naturally to his touch — the alcohol had caused that, surely — and while Levi was inclined to agree, thinking that and hearing it from Erwin were two different things, and he wasn’t sure his already aching and raw heart could fucking take anymore of that shit just yet. Still, even more worrisome to him than getting confirmation that Erwin didn’t want him was the persistent thought that this could potentially ruin their friendship, because obviously, that was the last thing he ever wanted to happen, and although he didn’t think that Erwin would purposefully end it, he just feared that things would be too weird between them from now on and their relationship wouldn’t be able to recover. 

If that happened, then Levi knew he would end up being even more broken hearted than he already fucking was. However, he also suspected that something like that was more likely to occur if they never talked about this, if they left things unsaid and didn’t discuss it to get everything out in the open, because then everything would just fester and cause things to become awkward and stilted until the point where it was all unrepairable. For that reason, Levi never once thought it wasn’t as he already knew: at some point, he was going to have to face Erwin and have this fucking conversation, but unfortunately, he didn’t know when or if he would ever be ready. 

He needed time, he thought, and space, and perhaps a few weeks to try and forget how good it had been, how amazing Erwin had made him feel when he’d been holding him and kissing him, and the honest to god fulfillment he had experienced at making Erwin moan like that before he’d come and Levi had realized what a fucking fool he’d made of himself. With that in mind, he tried his best not to think about that night and mostly stayed in his room as the rest of the week passed by. He didn’t come out when Erwin was around and tried to time things so that Erwin wasn’t there when he left or returned to the apartment, and made himself quick dinners when Erwin was in the shower at night and practically ran away whenever they  _ did  _ happen to actually cross paths — although he really only had one, true close call, which happened after Levi found himself standing right in front of Erwin outside of the bathroom in the middle of the goddamn night. 

They’d both been asleep and had apparently woken up to go pee at the exact same time, and Levi, barely awake, had not thought to listen out for footsteps or anything like that when he’d left his room. As such, they both ended up stopped, seemingly surprised by the other in front of the bathroom door, until Levi, wide-eyed and panicked, whirled around and practically darted away in fear. He heard Erwin call his name shortly before he locked himself inside his room again, naturally, and just like before, he wanted to fucking cry, because Erwin had sounded concerned, emotional, and even a little bit desperate. He knew Levi was avoiding him, of course, because there was just no  _ way  _ he didn’t, as it wasn’t like Levi to ignore him like this and he couldn’t remember the last time they’d gone this long without talking. 

Because of that, he now felt like shit because he figured he was hurting Erwin’s feelings, and probably making  _ him  _ feel bad by not talking to him. However, despite his guilt, the bathroom incident occurred the night before Erwin’s date, and he couldn’t stop thinking about him going out to enjoy himself with a man he actually liked because there was no fucking way Erwin had cancelled it. Why would he, he wondered? There was no reason for him to when what he’d done with Levi had been absolutely meaningless, because it wouldn’t have altered whatever interest Erwin actually held for that asshole in the first place. 

Their kisses had been for ‘practice,’ and even if they’d ended up fooling around Levi had only sucked Erwin’s dick and it hadn’t been real, and he fully expected Erwin to go out with his date — now with perhaps less nervousness about falling into bed with him because of what he’d done with Levi. That thought, out of everything, probably hurt the most, and because of that, there was no way Levi could talk to Erwin about any of this — hurt feelings or not — the day that he was supposed to actually go. Fortunately, he had to work from early morning to late afternoon on Saturday, and spent most of the day out of the apartment so that he wouldn’t have to worry about trapping himself in his room. 

When he got home, however, he had to make a beeline there without getting caught, but that turned out to be easy because Erwin wasn’t anywhere to be found. He was in  _ his  _ room, Levi realized, probably fucking getting ready or some shit, but whatever. He refused to think about that any further, and reminded himself of the plans he’d made to lock himself up, turn on his television, and climb into bed so that he could take a nap and hopefully sleep through the evening. He just didn’t think he could bear to hear Erwin leaving for the date, he knew, because it would essentially just be one more fucking act of rejection that he wanted to avoid, and the only way for him to escape that short of leaving himself — which he didn’t want to do, because he was too busy moping — was just to be...well, fucking unconscious. 

Thankfully, it wasn’t as hard that day as it had been the night all of that shit had happened, and Levi was able to pass out after he piled pillows over his head for more outside sound protection and turned off all the lights. He slept pretty well, in fact, because he was tired from work, and did not wake up again until 7:30, which he felt was definitely past the time that Erwin would have left for his date. Knowing that he should probably get out of bed so that he could make himself something to eat — he wasn’t hungry and his appetite had been shit all week, but he knew that he fucking needed to — Levi rubbed at his eyes and then forced himself to roll off the mattress, pulling on a pair of pajama pants before exiting his room. 

He first went and peed and then washed his hands before wandering toward the kitchen, trying and failing not to think about what Erwin was probably doing right then. Was he having fun? Was he laughing? Was he kissing another man? Was he caressing him, holding onto him, and staring into his eyes while they fucked or whatever like he’d done with Levi? Probably, Levi thought bitterly, swallowing down a heavy lump in his throat as he dragged himself into the kitchen. Why had this happened to him, he wondered then? Why had he fallen in love with someone as beautiful, perfect, and kind as Erwin, who would never see Levi as anything other than a friend? Maybe he  _ should  _ just move out, he found himself pondering. Maybe he should put some real space between them because otherwise he was never going to fucking get over Erwin, and...well, would only continue to experience constant heartbreak and lonliness if he stayed. 

If he left, however, he would miss Erwin. He knew he would, because even if he wanted more with him, Erwin’s presence in his life as a friend was very important to him. What if he really did keep dating that guy, though? What if they became boyfriends, and Levi had to meet him, and see him at the apartment, and have to bear him staying over? What the hell would he do then? Could he take it? Would—

“Levi?”

Immediately, as soon as Levi stepped into the kitchen — the light was on, but he’d just assumed Erwin had forgotten to turn it off — he heard a voice call his name. Obviously, it was Erwin, but despite the fact that Levi knew that right away, it startled him, because what the hell? He was supposed to be gone, but there he was, seated in the kitchen at the table where all this bullshit had fucking started in the first place, dressed only in sweatpants and a t-shirt and dejectedly eating out of a box of what looked to be cold pizza. Levi saw him when he jerked his head to the side, drawing his brows down in confusion but immediately feeling a sudden, nearly overwhelming swell of alarm.  _ Shit, _ he thought.  _ Shit _ . What was Erwin  _ doing  _ there? He was supposed to be gone, he wasn’t supposed to be in the apartment, Levi couldn’t talk to him right then, but...well, why wasn’t he on his fucking date? 

“Erwin…” He uttered, his voice stricken with both surprise and panic, and thick with emotion that he was just not able to hold back. What had happened? That question was literally the only thing that kept him from running right then, as well as the fact that after his surprise faded a bit, he realized that Erwin looked absolutely fucking miserable and out of sorts. Had his date cancelled on him, or something? “Erwin, what...what are you—

“I cancelled the date.” Erwin responded, answering Levi’s unfinished question in a way that was the opposite of what he had expected. 

It caused his brows to raise sharply and his lips to part in surprise, but other than that...well, he really felt nothing, because despite the fact that Erwin having a date planned had just added one more painful layer to all of this for Levi, in the end, he didn’t believe it had anything to do with what they’d done, which meant that nothing about his situation was going to change. Soon enough, Levi knew, Erwin would just find another man or woman to date anyway, because it was inevitable, like the tides and the rotation of the earth, although...he couldn’t help but feel the tiniest hint of curiosity blossom underneath everything else.

“What?” He ended up asking quietly, eyeing Erwin up and down as he stared at him, frowning. “I mean...why? What the fuck happened?”

“I…” Erwin started, opening his mouth and closing it again before he looked back down at his pizza. He frowned deeply and was clearly fretting about something, Levi thought, appearing troubled and unsure to the point that it took him at least five, long seconds to finish his sentence. “I just didn’t feel like he was right for me.”

“Oh.” Levi uttered, biting his lip. 

_ Okay,  _ he thought then. Whatever. That was shitty for Erwin, and he kind of wanted to know why that was the case, but he didn’t know what else to say. He felt bad and wanted to console him like he normally would, to provide the shoulder Erwin needed to lean on like he’d been doing for all these years, but he couldn’t — he just didn’t think he had the strength for it right then. It made him feel like an asshole but things still felt awkward and for all he fucking knew Erwin didn’t want to deal with him right then either, and so after standing there for another moment, he swallowed again, murmured the word ‘sorry,’ and turned to leave him to his devices in the kitchen. Planning on retreating back to his room, he only made it two steps before he was stopped again, before Erwin was calling out to him in a voice that almost sounded like it was about to crack.

“Levi, wait!” He said loudly, actually standing up from the table while Levi froze and turned to look back at him over his shoulder. 

His eyes got wide and he felt his breath catch in his throat, because shit, dammit,  _ fuck _ , Erwin sounded upset, and despite the fact that he still felt not very far from that either, he couldn’t just...he couldn’t  _ leave  _ him like that, or—

“Please.” Erwin murmured then, now quiet and restrained, but still sounding emotional in a way that Levi had not heard from him since his father had died. “Can we talk?”

_ Fuck.  _ Levi thought then. Talk? Talk about what? About his cancelled date? Or about—

“I know things are awkward now because of what happened the other night, but I...I don’t want it to ruin our friendship, Levi. Please, won’t you just talk to me?”

If Levi’s heart was not already broken, it would have ended up that way all over again at Erwin’s plea. Instead, he just felt a wave of guilt wash over him because it was now confirmed he’d been hurting Erwin with all his silence, but...well, he still felt fear in his heart when he imagined discussing what they’d done. Yes, he knew, it was fucking awkward — awkward was an understatement, in fact — but, of course, that wasn’t the main problem for him, because he just didn’t want to hear Erwin say that word,  _ mistake,  _ even if it really was one, and even if it was just as much his fault as it was Erwin’s. 

Unfortunately, though, at that point he didn’t feel like he could run away again, not when Erwin was clearly worried and upset about it. Doing so would just make it all worse, would hurt Erwin again and cause him more anguish too, and obviously, even though he was distraught and down about his unrequited feelings, his conscience wouldn’t let him leave if it was his actions that would make Erwin suffer. He would have to fucking say something, he knew then, although perhaps if he just said what he didn’t want to hear himself, it would be easier, and would reassure Erwin enough so that they wouldn’t have to really get that far into it. 

“It won’t ruin things, Erwin.” He forced himself to murmur then, shaking his head after he slowly turned to the side — not all the way back around, but so his back wasn’t completely to Erwin’s face. “It was a mistake. We were drunk. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Then why are you hiding from me?” Erwin replied, immediately dashing Levi’s hopes of escaping quickly by uttering a very pointed question that, even though it was said gently, Levi stiffened in response to and didn’t know how to fucking answer.

What was he supposed to say, that he was avoiding Erwin because he was in love with him and knew Erwin didn’t love him back and didn’t want to hear him confirm that? He couldn’t, because it would just be too mortifying, but strangely, perhaps because of how open and concerned Erwin seemed, he found it harder than he would have expected to lie. 

“I…” Levi began, looking away to stare at the ground, and again working his mouth like a fucking puppet in an effort to figure out what to say. “I just...Erwin—

“Was is that awful for you?” Erwin said, with a small, self-disparaging chuckle that had Levi’s eyes flying back up uncontrollably toward his face. 

“What? No... _ shit _ , I mean, uh—

“I’m teasing, it’s alright. I’m sorry though, for the record.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“But I should. Levi, will you just come sit?”

Erwin asked that weakly, with a small, hopeful smile that seemed a bit forced, perhaps because Levi standing near the exit to the kitchen made him feel like he was still ready to flee at a moment’s notice. Was he? He wanted to, especially all over again now because he knew that if he sat down this would really become a full length discussion — also because his face was burning at how quickly he’d assured Erwin that he hadn’t hated blowing him at all — but...he no longer had a choice. He felt utterly beat down and defeated and didn’t have it in him to finagle his way out of this, and ended up morosely shuffling over so that he could take a seat opposite from Erwin. They were in the spots they’d been in, he thought, when all this bullshit had started, and it wasn’t lost on him that the consequences were now ironically being played out in exactly the same space.

“So…” Erwin started again, looking Levi over now that he was close up. Levi, naturally, could not find it in him to meet his eye just yet, and stared down at the table, at Erwin’s box of cold pizza, while he continued. “I’m sorry, like I said. I feel like I took advantage of you, and made things strange between us.”

“I’m sorry too.” Levi relented then, because it was true. 

He  _ was  _ sorry. Sorry he’d let his feelings get the better of him, sorry he’d obliged Erwin and kissed him, and sorry he’d lost his fucking head and sucked him off and made Erwin have to deal with all of this bullshit. 

“It was just...when you kissed me, I…”

Erwin had continued while Levi had been disparaging himself like he’d done all week, but the way Erwin trailed off made him pause and ever so slightly glance up. Again, Erwin appeared unsure and was also staring down at the table, honestly looking a bit self-conscious and bashful like he had the  _ last _ time they’d started talking about kissing. However, Levi was sure he was probably just fucking embarrassed because this was a mortifying conversation for him, and found himself snorting, rolling his eyes and looking to the side in a sudden effort to perhaps diffuse some of the tension. 

“You what?” He muttered, crossing his arms. “Got confused about who you were kissing, because you were drunk?”

His comment was supposed to mean that Erwin would not have wanted things to escalate if he’d been sober enough to really think about the fact that he was kissing his best friend, because he was still of the belief that alcohol had fueled pretty much all of Erwin’s physical response that night. At first, that seemed to be even more clear to him when Erwin let out a huff of somber amusement, as if that  _ was  _ the case and he was relieved Levi understood, although he soon found himself surprised when Erwin actually answered him.

“No, I knew who I was kissing.” He began, pausing for a moment with his mouth open and appearing hesitant to continue. That changed after he sighed though and shook his head, and then took a deep breath as if he’d just come to some sort of decision. “I was kissing you, Levi, and it felt good.”

Instantly, Levi’s brows drew down sharply. He stared down at the table for a second in surprise and confusion, because surely he couldn’t have just heard Erwin correctly, right? No, there was no way, but it only took him meeting Erwin’s eyes again — his bright, imploring blue eyes — to realize that he’d said what he’d said. What the fuck, though? It felt  _ good _ ? What the hell did  _ that  _ mean? It was hard for Levi to come up with any sort of reason at all to answer that question, mostly because he refused to let his imagination wander into territory that might...well, make him happy. There was just no way, he thought. No fucking way that Erwin meant that how Levi wished he would mean it, because at best, he was probably just saying that because he liked men, had now discovered that he liked kissing them too, and Levi just so happened to actually be a man that he had kissed.

Still, though...even if Levi knew that it was stupid to hope and he had to be right, the statement was more than enough to intrigue him. Either way, he thought, he wanted to hear Erwin’s explanation for what he had just said, and because Erwin seemed so unsure about whether or not it was actually a good idea for him to do so — which was strange, because Erwin was usually such a good, confident speaker — he ended up having to ask the question himself.

“What...what do you mean?” He inquired. Naturally, his heart chose that exact moment to start pounding for a different reason other than stress — something only made worse by the fact that, although Erwin smiled at Levi’s question, it dropped quickly, and he again seemed to be at a loss for words. 

This time, however, Levi could not contain himself and wait patiently to see what Erwin would decide to say. Finding himself leaning over the small table, he reached out to place a hand on top of Erwin’s forearm — something that he’d done dozens of times over the course of their friendship to comfort or encourage him. Normally, it wouldn’t have been odd, but right then, as soon as Levi’s palm hit his skin, Erwin stiffened, and his eyes darted down to where Levi was touching him. For that reason, Levi thought for a minute that he’d fucked up, that he shouldn’t have done that when they were both distraught because of how they’d actually touched too goddamn much, but before he could move his hand away, Erwin shifted his free one to in turn place his palm down on top of Levi’s fingers. 

“...Erwin?” Levi uttered at that, staring down at where Erwin had grasped him. 

Again, a small gesture like that wasn’t unusual to the point where it shocked him necessarily, although if they touched hands, it was usually just a pat or something quick like that before it ended. Now, though, now Erwin kept his palm there and even curled his fingers around Levi’s as if to well and truly hold onto him, which was something that made Levi’s pulse flutter so wildly that it was a wonder he didn’t feel faint. Thankfully, he didn’t, and instead managed to swallow any nervousness that might have popped up just then so that he could tear his eyes away from their hands to look at Erwin’s face. There, he saw that Erwin too had been staring down at where they were touching, but he glanced up a second after Levi did, meeting his gaze and suddenly appearing a bit earnest. 

“Levi…” He said though, sounding less sure despite the fact that this time, he did not let it stop him from continuing. “What I mean is....well, I know what happened the other night didn’t mean anything to you, and that’s alright. I understand, and as I said, I don’t want our friendship to be destroyed by this. It’s very important to me, and I can’t imagine not having you in my life, but there’s...there’s something...something  _ more _ that I think I need to tell you, and I’m terrified that if I—

“Just _ say it, _ Erwin.” Levi interrupted, obviously not wanting to put pressure on him, but now completely unable to wait any longer for Erwin to spit it out — not when he now sat there essentially frozen, captivated, and barely even breathing, because by then, Erwin’s words now had Levi sitting on the edge of his seat. 

They had been uttered emotionally, he thought, even more so than the other things he’d already said to him that night, but still,  _ again _ he was scared to hope, because he knew it would be stupid as fuck to allow himself to believe that this might be about more than Erwin’s sexuality like he had suspected a few moments ago. However, his words just now almost seemed to indicate that it was, and Levi could not help but wonder why else he’d be speaking like this, or the reason that he could be so terrified to share it with him if there was more to it? To be completely fucking honest, Levi thought, while looking at him and listening to him, it was not hard for Levi to put himself in Erwin’s shoes, as the things he’d mentioned were all things that  _ Levi  _ might have said had he possessed the nerve to actually sit down and fucking confess. 

Either way, though, it would not, of course, ruin their friendship, and despite the fact that he was practically reeling, he tried to communicate that to Erwin with his expression and a comforting squeeze to his arm, just in case he’d come on a little too strong when he’d interrupted.

“It’s okay.” He said too, nodding while Erwin just stared at him for a moment, gaping, like he hadn’t expected Levi to be so insistent, or something.

However, after another second or two, after he let his eyes rove over Levi’s face and briefly glanced back down, he also nodded — although the gesture was perhaps more for himself instead of Levi.

“Alright.” He began again, in a voice that was barely louder than a whisper. “Levi, when you kissed me...as I said, it felt nice. But it also felt right, and everything that happened afterward was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It wasn’t just because of...of how  _ good  _ it felt either, and even though I was very confused the next morning, it’s all I’ve thought about over the past several days and I think I’ve figured it out: I’m in love with you, Levi, and I just didn’t realize it until we kissed. I—

Erwin didn’t get to finish his confession. No, he was interrupted all of a sudden,  _ obviously _ by Levi who absolutely could not contain himself for another second, and then cut off when Levi practically launched himself across the table to kiss Erwin without even thinking it through. It was as if it was a reflex triggered by hearing him say the words ‘I’m in love with you, Levi,’ he would think later, or an automatic response ingrained into his fucking DNA by how many times he’d imagined this exact scenario in his dreams, as of course, he’d never, ever thought anything like this might one day be real. However, there he was now, in his kitchen with Erwin who had just poured his heart out to him, and even if his own confession was bubbling up inside him, the intense emotions he had suddenly experienced — the rush of gladness, of relief, of  _ happy surprise _ — could only be expressed by an equally exceptional physical reaction. 

Still, although the kiss was impassioned, it was also short, because despite how much he yearned to just climb into Erwin’s arms and not let go, it did not take long for Levi to regain control of his faculties after a second or two had passed and the full gravity of  _ everything  _ that Erwin had said began to sink in. Erwin was...he was actually in love with him? He had been this entire time, and just hadn’t realized it until Levi had kissed him? What the hell? How could he not have known? Levi couldn’t begin to understand without further explanation from Erwin, and briefly lamented the fact that this raised more questions when he’d always thought it would just solve everything. Of course, it wasn’t like he didn’t believe Erwin or anything like that though, but it was just...he’d been through too much and nursed his broken heart enough times to know better than to forget all of that without a complete and full explanation.

After all, he thought, sometimes feelings could be very confusing, and it hadn’t even been a week since the incident in the kitchen. Was Erwin  _ sure? God,  _ what if Erwin said that now and then realized he was mistaken, or changed his mind, and Levi got his heart broken all over again because he’d relented without thinking about it and—

“Ah...Levi.” Erwin uttered then, staring up at where Levi had, by then, pulled away just as suddenly as he’d moved to kiss him. Now, he was looking down at Erwin’s face with an expression that was surely full of shock and awe, frozen in place, practically, while his brain worked through everything that had just happened. Still, he remained close with one hand grasping Erwin’s neck from where he’d grabbed him and his face so near to Erwin’s that almost  _ all  _ he could see was his blue eyes — eyes that were so open, and almost painfully full of enough uncertainty and confusion to make Levi’s heart ache. “You kissed me. Was that...was that good, or…? Please, say something.”

Erwin’s plea was certainly enough to bring Levi out of his reverie. Blinking, he opened his mouth as if to respond — his first instinct, naturally, was to comfort Erwin — but then closed it again, finding that his head was still spinning so much that it was difficult for him to even form a coherent thought, or know what he actually wanted to say first. Still, he couldn’t just leave Erwin hanging when he was so clearly nervous about what he’d just said and what Levi’s real response would be, and so he took a death breath and then begrudgingly let go of Erwin, moving to slump back down into his chair so that he could stare at Erwin across from him and then look down at his hands. 

“Uh...it was good.” He began, swallowing down his own sudden influx of nerves — nerves that suddenly bubbled up when he began to slowly work out the kinds of things he was going to have to say. Obviously, to assuage Erwin he was going to have to admit some of his feelings too, but how far should he go? Should he just confess everything when he was still confused about how all of this could actually be possible himself? “I mean...uh, _ fuck.” _

“Levi, if you don’t feel the same way, it’s—

Presumably, Erwin had been about to tell Levi that it was ‘okay’ after he’d just sworn in frustration over how much he sucked at words, but despite that, Levi did not give him the chance to finish, because regardless of everything else there was no way in hell he  _ ever  _ wanted Erwin to think that he didn’t feel the same. 

“No!” He interrupted, glancing back up again so that he could look Erwin in the eye. Biting his lip in agitation, he hesitated for only one second longer, and then decided that even if he was confused, even if he didn’t know how this would turn out in the end, there was no point in holding it all back any longer. No matter what, he knew, their friendship was going to be changed irrevocably because of what Erwin had said himself, and besides, he’d pushed Erwin to explain, and wasn’t it only fair that he gave him the same courtesy? “I mean, no, Erwin, that’s not it.”

“It’s not?” Erwin asked, murmuring the question so quietly that it was barely more than a whisper. 

“No, and when you said that the other night didn’t mean anything to me...that’s not fucking true. It meant everything to me, because...because…”

Again, Levi hesitated and paused, because what he was about to say next was, of course, the secret that he’d guarded deep inside of his heart for so long. Admitting it even now was still kind of scary, but as he continued to look into Erwin’s eyes, he saw warmth there behind the worry and care beyond the concern, and something else that calmed him, something that, he thought, he immediately recognized as...well, hope. Most likely, it was the same hope that Levi had been trying and failing to keep down this entire time, and obviously it resonated with him, enough so that he suddenly felt sure that it would be okay, that it was safe, finally, for him to tell Erwin how he felt. Indeed, just as Levi had done to Erwin a few short moments ago, Erwin seemed to sense his hesitance and uncertainty, for he reached out to grab onto Levi’s hand again to encourage him. 

“Levi.” He said too, offering him a tiny smile. “It’s okay.”

“Okay.” Levi repeated, staring down at where Erwin held his hand again. “Okay...um, like I said...that night, everything that happened, I’ve been wanting it for so long. I’m in love with you too, Erwin, and I have been forever...I mean, since before we even moved in together, and fuck, I—

Although Erwin didn’t let go of his hand, Levi found himself cut off when he sat back into his seat from where he’d leaned over — this time, it was his turn to be shocked, apparently, to stare at Levi with wide eyes and a jaw that had gone slack in surprise. “What? You... _ really?” _

“Yeah, Erwin! I love you, and I’ve loved you this whole fucking time!” Levi exclaimed, now suddenly finding that his emotions had finally caught up with him, and it was all he could do to keep himself from getting overwhelmed. 

It was just, he’d held onto this for so long, had pined and wanted and yearned for so  _ long _ , that loving Erwin had, to him, just become a part of himself to the point that it seemed ludicrous to him that Erwin was questioning it. 

“But you didn’t say anything. I had no idea, Levi.”

“Of course I didn’t! I thought you wouldn’t feel the same, and that I was just a friend to you, and that if I said anything it would just fuck everything up! You only went out with women anyway, and I mean...even now, I don’t fucking understand. I want to, I want to so much, Erwin, but how could you not know?! Fuck, I love you, I  _ love  _ you, Erwin, but I don’t—

“Levi, it’s alright.” Erwin interrupted again, obviously noticing the way that Levi’s voice had suddenly cracked, although honestly, he barely realized it himself. 

He was just too upset now, too worked up, because...well, this was a lot. For fuck’s sake, he thought, he’d started this conversation thinking that he was just going to be sad and dejected all over again without Erwin even knowing what he was doing to him, but had instead ended up with Erwin confessing to him out of nowhere. It was like out of a dream, something from his wildest fantasies, except in all those visions he just melted into Erwin’s arms and stayed there and everything was perfect. Of course, that was all, the only fucking thing, he wanted to do now, but he still had too many questions, and despite hearing what Erwin had said, had spent so much time telling himself it wasn’t possible that Erwin could ever love him back that he was afraid it was just too good to be true. 

“It’s alright.” Erwin said again, while Levi fought back a sudden burning in his eyes. “I can explain...at least, I think I can, if you’ll let me.”

Immediately, Levi nodded, watching Erwin with rapt attention as he blessedly did not hesitate like he had before in beginning to spit it out. 

“Levi...when we met, I was still coming to terms with my sexuality. I had realized by then that I’d always been bi, but I was still trying to understand it, and it was confusing — separating certain feelings for men, like deep friendship, or...or admiration, and types of attachment and attraction, from an actual crush and something romantic was difficult.”

“...I get that.” Levi found himself murmuring then, after Erwin had paused for a brief second as if to see whether or not Levi was following him. 

He was, thankfully. He understood what Erwin meant firstly because he understood, because he knew exactly what he was talking about and what it was like. Yeah, sure, he’d been a lot younger than Erwin when he’d started to figure out who he was, but he still recalled how confused he’d been at first until it all finally made sense and he’d come to terms with it. Because of that, and because...well, he could now  _ kind of _ finally see where Erwin was going with all of this, he suddenly found himself perking up a bit, watching Erwin and feeling the tiniest amount of excitement return from when Erwin had first blurted out his confession.

“Well...I think that I unconsciously designated you as a friend.” Erwin continued, swallowing before he looked down at where he was still holding Levi’s hand, and squeezed him. The touch, just like it had when Erwin had first grabbed him, comforted Levi some, and he felt his heart start to pound in something other than unease. “And then as a close friend, my  _ best  _ friend and eventually my roommate, all while I dated women because I couldn’t ever seem to find a man who I felt interested enough in to actually go out with. I was nervous about it too, of course, and more comfortable with women because I was used to that, but even then nothing ever worked out. It never felt right, and there were times when I came home dejected and depressed and wondering if I would be alone forever, but then...you were always here, waiting, and made me forget all about it. I feel happy when I’m with you, Levi, and at peace. I’m content living here with you and I always have been, but I was too foolish to understand what that meant. I already loved you as as friend, but the designation had stuck, and it stayed that way until we...until— 

“Until we kissed.” Levi interrupted, finishing Erwin’s sentence by repeating what he’d told him at the start. 

“Yes. Until we kissed. Something clicked inside me that night, Levi, and I understood. It makes so much sense to me now, like nothing else ever has before. That’s why I couldn’t find anyone, and that’s why none of my dates ever turned into anything more. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was too picky or incapable of loving someone that way, but really it was just because what I wanted was already right in front of my face, and I was too damned foolish to actually figure it out.”

“But...but  _ how? _ What changed?”

“When you kissed me....like I said, it felt good. It made me want you right then, yes, but I realized I wanted everything else with you too. I want to hold you, and to go with you to bed at night. I want to kiss you goodbye when you go to work and to be here to hug you when you get back. I want to take care of you, Levi, and to be by your side and just have a life with you... _ properly _ , now.”

“Well...what about that other guy?” 

“Who, the guy I was supposed to go out with? Levi, he meant nothing...he asked me out and I thought I would finally try to go on a date with a man, but—

“Are you  _ sure _ , Erwin?” 

Levi couldn’t help but ask, in a small, worried voice. He had to, he thought, because despite the fact that he was relieved that Erwin’s explanation made sense, despite the fact that he believed him and found all of it to be absolutely, completely and 100% plausible and his words made him want to fucking cry out of joy, he just did not know if he could take this turning into another disappointment. He trusted Erwin, yeah, of course he did, and he knew that Erwin would never do anything to hurt him on purpose, but if this was going to go any further, if this was going to turn into something real — because that’s what would happen, right, just as Erwin said? — he had to hear it out of Erwin’s mouth that he was  _ certain  _ of what he felt and of what he wanted. 

_ “Yes.” _ Erwin said immediately though, thankfully, and in earnest. 

Hearing him, Levi’s pulse jumped and his fingers tightened around Erwin’s, over where Erwin had curled them around Levi’s own hand, but he remained steadfast, as his mind would not let him give in until he asked just one more final question, even if it might sound fucking ridiculous.

“And...it wasn’t just because I sucked your dick, right?”

Erwin could have laughed. He could have found it amusing and not taken him seriously, and Levi wouldn’t have blamed him because of the way he had asked it. Thankfully, however, he didn’t. Thankfully, he understood that the question was significant to Levi, and instead of doing anything else, his expression just turned even more serious, and he moved to now grab Levi’s palm with both hands so that he could hold it up into the air.

“Yes, Levi.” He said, with his brows drawn in tight and his eyes focused only on him. “It wasn’t just because of what we did, and I’m sure of that too. I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure about something in my life, in fact. I can feel it, from the very bottom of my heart: I love you, Levi. I’ve always loved you, and I want to be with you. Like that...I mean, physically, yes, but...but in every other way possible too, I promise. If you love me, if you feel the same, please tell me that you’ll have me, even after everything I must have put you through.”

This time when Levi kissed Erwin, it was after he’d jerked his hand out of Erwin’s to stand up in his chair, round the table, and practically launch himself into his lap, wrapping his arms around his neck so that he could press their lips together all over again. Unlike before, he didn’t stop either, because by then, finally, he felt that he had heard everything he needed, that Erwin had explained himself logically and was  _ clearly  _ sure of it while also understanding the gravity of what it meant to Levi — enough so that he could finally just embrace Erwin’s confession and revel in all of the good feelings that came with it. Fuck, he thought, he couldn’t believe it. Erwin loved him, he really did, and not only that, but he wanted to be in a relationship with him too? 

That’s what his words meant, of course, and despite Levi’s concerns earlier, now there could be no doubt: Levi, after such a long time spent being lonely and hopeless and unfulfilled, was actually going to get everything that he wanted. Pouring all of his happiness and excitement and relief into their embrace, he stayed in Erwin’s lap like that and kissed him deeply, intimately, and without restraint, unable to hold back anything just like on the night this had all fucking started. He moved his mouth over Erwin’s, breathing hard through his nose, tasting him, pressing his body against Erwin’s as tightly as he could in an effort to get as close to him as possible, doing all of it in the hopes that it would show Erwin how much this — and Erwin himself — actually fucking meant to him. 

Like the first time, too, it apparently worked — although Levi had not been necessarily doing it on purpose back then. Still, when he pulled away, when they finally broke apart several moments later, he immediately noticed that Erwin’s breath was shaky and his eyes had grown wide, and he was wearing the exact same dazed, almost awed expression that he had been after Levi had kissed the life out of him the other night. Immediately, something in his heart jumped, and he could have actually smiled if he wasn’t so distracted because of the fact that he now understood what it fucking meant.

“Ah…” Erwin uttered in an exhale then, confirming what Levi was thinking while the corners of his mouth began to turn up slowly. “Yes, that was it. That’s what did it.”

In response to that, Levi just snorted, and dove back in for more. This time, he didn’t stop for a while and neither did Erwin, although their embrace remained relatively calm, as if they had both unconsciously decided that it would be nice to just enjoy this now that they could actually do it. That was what Levi was thinking, at least, but apparently Erwin ended up thinking about something else, about the fact that he still hadn’t been given a straight answer to what he’d sort of asked earlier, for eventually he pulled away and studied Levi’s expression for a moment before speaking.

“So, does this mean that...that we—

“Yeah.” Levi interrupted, obviously knowing what his response was going to be right away. Sure, he thought, even with Erwin’s best reassurances — or his own, for that matter — he could not know what exactly the future would hold or whether this would last forever, but if they both wanted it to happen and they were both absolutely certain of that, wouldn’t he be stupid as fuck not to at least try? “Of course I’ll have you, Erwin. I want all of that shit too, everything you said...for us to be together. Do you think I wouldn’t, after all of that?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted to hear it, I suppose, and I’d understand if you weren’t sure right away, or needed to think about it. I...put you through a lot, apparently, and I’m very sorry for that, for what it’s worth.” 

Levi clicked his tongue at that, chastising Erwin — because he knew what he was talking about, all the dates and all of that shit that he’d unwittingly shoved into Levi’s face without knowing how he felt — before following it up with a simple, quick kiss to his lips. “You don’t have to apologize. It doesn’t fucking matter, not now, and it’s not like I told you how I felt anyway. I know I could have, but like I said, I was too afraid it would fucking push you away. I didn’t want to lose you as a friend, Erwin, and I never thought you were interested in me anyway.”

“Well…I am, and I only wish I had realized it earlier. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that.” Levi muttered, suddenly feeling a swell of mischievousness that caused him to lean in and kiss at Erwin’s neck. He pressed his mouth at the top of it, near his ear, just once, and then let his lips hover over it, close enough so that they brushed up against Erwin’s skin as he continued — an act that he recalled had gotten Erwin going pretty good before. “We have plenty of time to make up for that now, and there’s no reason we can’t, right?”

Beneath him, he both heard and felt Erwin swallow, which was a reaction that made Levi imagine Erwin as a deer suddenly caught in headlights, almost like he’d been when Levi had walked around the table to kiss him for the very first time. It made him think all over again about how Erwin was still new to this too — new to being with a _man,_ at least — and that his inexperience was what had started all of this in the first place. Considering that his cheeks had turned completely red by the time Levi peeked back up at him again, just one night in bed with him had apparently not been enough to entirely rid him of his bashfulness. 

It was fucking adorable as shit to be honest, Levi thought, and just served to reinforce all the happiness and excitement he felt along with the relief, particularly because it was...well, it was nice,  _ freeing _ , in a way, to be able to think about things like that — like taking Erwin to the bedroom to give him another ‘lesson’ — without feeling guilty, or having it all underscored by the fact that he was unwanted. Instead, it was apparently the opposite of that, because although Erwin had looked like he was one step away from becoming flustered, he didn’t let it stop him from carefully moving his hands so that he could place them on Levi’s waist, nor did he hesitate to let his eyes lower and rove over Levi’s chest.

It was bare, of course, because he was still shirtless, because he’d had this entire conversation in only his pajama pants, and he could have smiled all over again when Erwin, after staring at his midsection for several long seconds, lifted his eyes back up to meet his and slowly shook his head.

“No.” He said too, answering his question from earlier. “I don’t see why not. I’d like to return the favor from the other night, but I’m not sure I could do to you what you did to me.”

“Don’t think like that.” Levi responded, because it was true, and it wasn’t like he was going to keep  _ score  _ — not when he’d enjoyed getting Erwin off anyway.

He was willing to do it all again and more, in fact, but still, Erwin persisted, and after another moment...well, Levi found it hard to say no when his voice went low and when his words became much more heated and frank. “But I want to, Levi.”

“Want to what?”

“I want to make you come. Do you think you can teach me how to do that too?”

At that, Levi’s mouth went dry, and a spark of excitement surged through him so suddenly that his eyes widened. On its tail was lust too, of course, and although he was quiet for a moment, having not expected Erwin to say that at all, it didn’t take him long to recover and crack another small smile. 

“I think I can do that.” He said, climbing out of Erwin’s lap so that he could take his hand, pulling him to his feet and intending to drag him back to  _ his _ room this time, because somehow it seemed fitting. “Come with me, Erwin Smith.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3 comments and kudos are, as always, appreciated


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